The Effects of Mustard Gas and Purple Teachers
by Andromeda Silver
Summary: Mini Jack gets himself into trouble at school, and Jack has to bail him out twice! Set after Fragile Balance.
1. Round 1

Author's notes: Thanks to my sister for the title and helping with Jack's dialogue. She's just like him…it's scary. Well, Jack's just like her. She's got a very good argument for that. Either that or she's warping my mind again. The teachers mentioned in here are based on teachers I had back in junior high and high school. I figured I could never match their inherent evilness. Smets is also from high school—the epitome of a dumb blonde. Who needs to invent characters when you already know real people who are better than anything you can imagine?

* * *

"So basically those rocks we found used to be a public library," Jack said as he toyed with Daniel's magnifying glass.

Daniel sighed and tried to refrain from hitting his head on his desk. He'd been deep into translating fragments of ruins SG-1 recently found on a planet that could be the key to finding the lost city of the Ancients when Jack had invited himself in. Having Jack in his office was the same as having a toddler running loose—neither could keep focused for more than thirty seconds at a time, and both loved playing with his archeological tools.

"There's a lot more to it than that," said Daniel. He wracked his brains for short, simple words Jack could understand, or rather, short, simple sentences that wouldn't allow his attention to drift away as it was prone to doing. "If I'm right, this building at one time housed a device similar to the one that downloaded all the Ancients' knowledge into your brain. The problem is that something or someone demolished the place so it's like trying to put together a giant jigsaw puzzle without the box."

"Ahh, the old 'mystery of life' problem," Jack said, making fish faces in the magnifying glass.

"No!" sighed Daniel. He snatched the magnifying glass out of Jack's hand. "You're not helping me!"

"You expected otherwise?" asked Jack.

"Out! Get out! Go bug someone else for a change!" Daniel grabbed Jack's arm and started dragging him towards the door. "I'm sure Sam would love to have you harass her while she does that 'Gate network overhaul."

"Actually, she threatened to kill me if I even came within twenty feet of her." Jack clung to the edge of Daniel's desk for dear life to keep from getting dragged out of the room. "You've been working out, haven't you?"

Daniel halted and relaxed his grip on Jack. "What are you talking about?"

"Well, normally you just give up and let me leave when I get bored. Now you're trying to drag me out." Jack took advantage of Daniel's inattention and yanked his arm out of the archeologist's grasp. "But yet again, you've failed!"

The ringing phone interrupted Daniel before he could retaliate. He answered it grudgingly, looked quizzical, and then held it out to Jack.

"Who is it?" asked Jack, who was trying to keep out of Daniel's reach.

"It's, uh, Mini-you," Daniel answered. "Your 16-year-old clone."

Jack raised his eyebrows, cocked his head to one side, and took the phone from Daniel. "So, my little minion," he said, "what mayhem have you been causing?"

"Well…" began the younger Jack, "I've run into a slight problem. My history teacher and I had a misunderstanding…Ok, the thing to remember here is that it wasn't my fault."

"Right, now where have I heard that before?"

"Technically since I said it and I'm you, that means you said it and I'm not responsible."

"Ok, that doesn't even make sense to me."

"Well, I know what I said, and since I'm you, you understand what I said. Anyway, that's not the point. My teacher thought she'd do a unit on recent history and thought that the Gulf War would be a good topic, but she gave this whole spiel that was total crap about US black ops in Kuwait and I couldn't just sit there while she lied, so I told her she was wrong. She didn't believe me and asked me where I heard all this stuff…"

"You didn't tell her that you fought in the Gulf did you?"

"How stupid do you think I am? Of course not! I told her that my father fought in the Gulf and told me all about his declassified missions into Iraq and stuff."

"So why are you calling me about this?"

"My teacher told me she wants a parent-teacher conference with my dad about me calling her a liar in the middle of class. So…"

"You want me to pretend to be your dad for this conference."

"Yeah, so are you free today at 4:30?"

Colonel O'Neill sighed and rolled his eyes. His clone was definitely too much like himself to be safe. Figured. Trouble followed him like a magnet; why shouldn't Jack Jr. be the same?

"All right," sighed the colonel. "But this is the only time I'm bailing you out."

"Yeah, I know better than to piss off myself," said young Jack before he hung up.

The colonel hung up the phone and paused a moment until Daniel took notice. "Whatever you do, never, ever get yourself cloned," Jack told Daniel matter-of-factly. "You'll hate yourself to no end. Might even consider killing yourself…him…it…both…" He trailed off as he wandered out of the room.

"Two Jack O'Neills should violate the laws of the universe," Daniel muttered to himself as he went back to work.

* * *

4:15 that afternoon, Colonel O'Neill stood outside the single story brick high school, wondering how in the heck he got into such a mess. He recalled General Hammond's poorly disguised grin when he explained to his CO why he needed the afternoon off. Stupid clone. Now the colonel had begun to understand why his friends got irritated with him. Why couldn't the Asgard clone someone else? This thought caused him to shudder at the thought of two Daniels questioning his every order and two Carters, one jabbering on in techno babble in each of his ears. No, it was definitely better he, Jack, was cloned. He could at least understand himself. Usually. Which is more than he could say about Carter and Daniel. Now, two Teal'cs wouldn't have been half bad.

A horrible suddenly struck the colonel. What if one of Cassandra's teachers recognized him? All of them knew he didn't have a son in the school system, and he didn't want to have to explain his sudden acquisition of one to them. Which brought up an interesting point: was the teacher he was supposed to meet one of Cassie's? Jack shrugged it off, figuring that his clone would remember which teachers knew the SGC personnel through Cassie or not. Hopefully his young clone had a better memory than his…

"Yo! Jack…Colonel…Dad…whoever you are!" called a familiar voice. Colonel O'Neill snapped out of his reverie and turned around to see his clone waving to him from the front entrance of the school. The colonel strode over to meet him as a group of girls passed Jack Jr., giggling.

"I see you've made an impression," muttered the colonel as Jack tried to catch the girls' attentions with a smile.

"Shut up, you're cramping my style," Jack hissed out of the corner of his mouth. "You're just here to meet with Mrs. Roy and then get back to the SGC."

"Y'know, parents are supposed to harass their kids and make them miserable."

"Don't get too carried away with this," Jack Jr. warned as he ushered Colonel O'Neill inside. "This is only for today. And if anyone asks why I just 'moved' here, tell them that you and 'Mom' are separated, and until recently she had sole custody, but you got custody after you got a stable command."

"Nice one," said the colonel as he followed Jack down the maze of corridors. "So I'm meeting with Mrs. Roy?"

"Yeah, don't worry, she doesn't know anybody from the SGC. Trust me, I'd remember the witch if you met her."

"That bad, huh?"

"Let's put it this way. Take Mrs. Cicciu from eighth grade English and multiply her by ten."

The colonel shuddered. "You owe me big time for this!"

Jack led Colonel O'Neill into a typical-looking social studies classroom with maps and charts covering the cinderblock walls. At the opposite end of the room from the door, a squat woman with overlarge glasses and heavily teased brown hair sat behind the teacher's desk. She scribbled red pen on some homework papers until both Jacks coughed to get her attention.

"Mrs. Roy, I presume?" said Colonel O'Neill.

"Yes, are you Mr. O'Neill?" asked Mrs. Roy in a horrible high-pitched, nasal voice. The colonel winced as he was reminded of the metaphorical nails on a chalkboard.

"It's Colonel O'Neill," both Jacks said in union.

"Ah, yes, I remember Jack saying you were in the army."

"Air force," corrected the colonel as he reached out and shook Mrs. Roy's hand.

"Yes, of course," said Mrs. Roy. She gestured to two chairs next to her desk. "Will you both please take a seat?"

Both Jacks complied and sat down, wearing identical pained expressions at the thought of listening to Mrs. Roy's grating voice for what was going to be a long lecture.

"Colonel O'Neill, I believe Jack told you the reason why I asked you to come here today," said Mrs. Roy as she folded her hands in front of her, "so let's get down to business. Your son seems to enjoy shouting offensive and derogatory remarks in the middle of class."

"I wasn't shouting, I was merely proving a point," retorted Jack as he tipped back in his chair.

"Sit in your chair like a normal human being, mister!" Mrs. Roy barked. Jack sighed, rolled his eyes, and tipped the chair back onto all four of its legs with a dull thud.

"Besides," continued Mrs. Roy, "I don't see how making fun of Miss Smets constitutes proving a point."

"I asked Smets what color the sky was and she said green!" Jack shouted. "That proves she's beyond a doubt dumber than a soap dish!"

Mrs. Roy's face turned a nasty plum, but Colonel O'Neill interrupted her before she could continue her tirade. "Jack, I told you I don't tolerate that kind of attitude with my troops, and I'm not going to tolerate it coming from you," he said sternly. "Mrs. Roy is your teacher. She deserves some respect from you. Now calm down so we can discuss you interfering with the class."

"Yes," agreed Mrs. Roy, her face going back to its original color. "Jack seems to think that he's an authority on the Gulf War."

"Compared to you, anyone is an expert!" shouted Jack. He turned to Colonel O'Neill. "Get this. She thinks we used mustard gas on the Iraqis!"

"Jack, not everyone is as big a war buff as you," said O'Neill. "But, yes, we used much nastier stuff than mustard gas in the Gulf."

"Which brings up another point," hissed Mrs. Roy. "Reportedly Jack likes to describe the effects of different nerve gases in gory detail, making Miss Smets physically ill."

"Hey, that was biology class!" Jack retorted. "Mr. Flanagan asked a question about the effects of VX poison gas and I was only too happy to oblige. It's not my fault Smets's got a weak stomach."

"That's not the point, _Mr._ O'Neill!" barked Mrs. Roy.

"No, but Jack's behavior in _your_ class, not any other class, is the point, Ma'am," Colonel O'Neill interrupted. "Besides…correcting you…rather harshly, has Jack done anything to warrant me wasting my time refereeing you two?"

Mrs. Roy looked ready to explode; both Jacks could swear they saw steam curling out her ears. "Yes," she hissed. "I have considerable evidence that Jack has ADD."

"ADD?" exclaimed Jack. "How can you possibly diagnose ADD if you don't know anything about recent history?"

"Exactly what I was going to say!" added the colonel. "Do you have any sort of…credentials that would give you any sort of authority on the matter?"

"Well, no…" stuttered Mrs. Roy, who was running out of steam now that the Jacks had found a gigantic hole in her defense.

"Then you have no right to claim Jack has any sort of disorder!" Colonel O'Neill interrupted. "Just because your disciplinary methods don't work doesn't mean that he's ADD. Has he been passing this class?"

"Well…yes," grumbled Mrs. Roy. "He has the second highest grade in the class, if his behavior is excluded. I would think he was cheating, but everyone else he could've cheated off of was seated on the other side of the room."

"Ha!" yelled Jack, pointing an accusing finger at his teacher.

"Well, I'm impressed, Jack," said Colonel O'Neill with an amused grin. "History was never your strong suit."

"That…alternative learning…class came in handy," Jack replied. "Well, if that's all, Mrs. Roy, I believe my dad needs to get back to base. See, he's second in command. That's a very important job."

"Now, Jack, your education is my priority," said the colonel, adopting the same patronizing tone his clone used.

"We're through," growled Mrs. Roy. "It was nice meeting you, Mr. O'Neill."

"That's Colonel O'Neill," corrected Jack.

"Goodbye, Jack, I'll see you in class tomorrow," the teacher hissed through gritted teeth.

Mrs. Roy practically shoved both Jacks out of her classroom. However, Colonel O'Neill looked back at the teacher before she chased him over the threshold and said, "I'll be keeping close tabs on Jack's grades and classes in general. If I hear you're harassing him for no good reason, I've got connections in the school system that could make your life a whole lot more difficult."

Mrs. Roy merely made some sort of growling noise in reply.

Both Jacks remained silent, exchanging identical grins, until they reached the front entrance to the school and the parking lot. As soon as they strode out into the fading sunlight, they both whooped and slapped each other high-fives.

"Did we piss her off or what?" laughed Jack Jr. "That look on her face after you told her off for calling me ADD was priceless!"

"Somehow I felt like I got back at that witch Cicciu," said Colonel O'Neill with an amused grin as he walked over to the driver's side of his truck.

"Thanks for bailing me out," said Jack as he followed the colonel.

"Don't mention it," said Colonel O'Neill. "No, seriously, don't ever mention it again." He paused in front of his truck and asked quizzically, "ADD?"

"Would explain a lot, wouldn't it?"

Colonel O'Neill shrugged.

"Before you go, could you do me a little favor?" asked Jack.

Colonel O'Neill winced. "Another one? What kind of favor?"

"I've been dying for a beer for weeks! Could you--"

"Hell no! I'm not getting busted for giving a minor alcohol! Even if I'm technically giving it to myself. You can go drink in the woods like normal kids your age."

"Hmmm…I could probably outrun the cops now with this nice, spry, young body…"

"Shut up, Mini-Me."

"Could you at least give me a lift home? I missed the bus for that stupid meeting, and I can't legally drive yet. Sucks being fifteen."

The colonel rolled his eyes and waved Jack into the passenger seat in his truck. "At least Dr. Evil's Mini-Me couldn't talk," he grumbled as he jumped into the driver's seat and pulled out of the parking lot.

* * *

Continued… 


	2. Round 2

Author's notes: Same as last chapter. Thanks again to my sister for editing to make sure Jack and Mini-Jack sounded like themselves. This is the final chapter in this story, so no more sequels to this one at least.

* * *

Jack rolled his eyes as his phone rang for the umpteenth time in the past hour. "Oy! Why does everyone call just as I'm trying to get the hell outta here for the day?" He picked up the phone and muttered, "General O'Neill." 

"Wow, a general! Even I never saw that one coming!" replied an all too familiar voice. "I never thought that the Air Force would promote someone like me—us—you all the way up to brigadier general."

"I thought I told you never to call me again, Mini-Me!"

"Trust me, this is an emergency."

"I am NOT attending another parent-teacher conference! You're back in high school, meaning you have to toe the line. I'm not going to go over there every few weeks and allow you to undermine the faculty's authority."

"That teacher with the Goa'uld-like power trip found out you're not my dad."

"WHAT? How'd that happen?"

"Turns out an old Air Force buddy of yours, Harlan Beck, lives next door to Evil Incarnate teacher and let it slip he saw me trying to buy beer. I forgot that I told him you're my uncle and took me in when my parents died. Now she's trying to get access to my records…"

The general smacked his head against his desk. "Why must you torment me like this?"

"I was sent here to punish you, besides, I make life interesting for you. Oh, and Mrs. Roy talked to a few of Cassie's old teachers who know you…"

"You really know how to ruin a perfectly good Wednesday! And just as a side note, if you were here, I'd wring your neck. So what are we supposed to do about your teacher?"

"That's why I called you."

The general sighed. "I'm not the criminal mastermind here. That's Sam and Daniel's department. They're going to have a field day. You know, they still haven't let me live down that parent-teacher conference! Seriously, why did I let Thor fix you?"

"That pesky pity reflex of yours…ours…for kids and dogs?"

"Whatever it is, you'd better hope that it keeps me from cutting off your SGC funded allowance and apartment. Since I'm the boss around here now, I can do that."

"Aww, Dad, don't threaten to cut off my allowance! C'mon, if you don't help me out of this the Stargate program will be exposed to the public--"

"I get this sort of threat every week. No one's going to believe an anal-retentive Hun of a teacher that we can travel to other planets. And who would give her ideas that you're an alien built clone?"

"Umm…no one. I didn't say anything! She just got lucky using Google to look you up after she heard that you weren't my dad. She found stories about Charlie and a picture of both him and you as a teenager. Amazing what you can find on the net these days. She immediately saw that I look just like you at fifteen…a lot more than to be coincidental. But even though she doesn't think that I'm an alien, you'll have all that nasty paperwork to fill out, and you'll probably have to pay off the witch to keep her quiet."

"What? You have a better plan?"

The general could almost hear his clone smiling at the other end of the line. "I think simple, public revenge will do just fine. Oh, you're going to love this plan because I know I love it!"

* * *

Daniel, Sam, and Teal'c sat around the table in the briefing room exchanging quizzical looks. Finally the archeologist asked, "Anybody know why we're here?"

"No," answered Carter. "We weren't supposed to have our next mission briefing until tomorrow. I was in the middle of studying those devices SG-6 brought back from PJY-934. Think there's some sort of emergency?"

Teal'c merely said, "Perhaps."

The trio turned towards the door when General O'Neill opened it and strode into the room. Noting that he didn't have any files or folders with him, Daniel asked, "What's up, Jack? This isn't a mission briefing."

"No, it's not," said Jack as he took a seat at the head of the table. "You guys remember back, oh, about four months ago when my teenage clone got in trouble with one of his teachers?" asked Jack.

Everyone, including Teal'c, grinned. Strange how emotional the Jaffa was becoming.

"Yes, how is Jack Jr. doing?" Daniel asked, trying not to laugh.

"Oh, he managed to get himself into trouble. Again!"

"Sir, he is a clone of you," said Sam. "It would follow that he would be prone to the same…problems as you."

Jack shot her a sour smile. "In that case, he'll be suffering through a lot of hockey injuries soon enough. I know how much you all like to make fun of that parent-teacher conference, but now we have a slightly larger problem."

"What? The teacher wants to talk to Mom?" Daniel grinned at Sam.

"No, Daniel, you won't get a chance to dress in drag," Jack shot back. Sam smiled at Daniel. "Mrs. Roy knows that Mini-Me is not my son. He thinks that she'll find out through some digging that he is a clone, but not necessarily an alien clone."

"This will pose a problem for Stargate Command," agreed Teal'c.

Jack clapped his hands together. "So, who feels like being part of a secret, evil plan?"

"Isn't this plan of yours overstepping your power as head of the SGC?" asked Daniel.

"You haven't even heard the plan! And the crazy old bat said I had ADD!"

"Well, sir, that would explain a lot," Sam added.

"I do NOT have ADD! I just get lost in thought sometimes."

Daniel snorted as if to cover up a laugh.

Jack glared at the archeologist. "I swear I'll wrap your entire office in bubble wrap if you do that again, _Daniel_."

"I already wrap the most important artifacts up to make sure you don't break them when you come to bother me."

"No, I mean _everything_. Desk, computer, fish tank…"

"You wouldn't!"

"You know I would. Now, Carter, do you want to help me plot some fun revenge, or do you want to go back to scanning those micro-whatevers from PJY-934?"

Daniel mouthed from behind Jack, "Revenge! Say revenge!" Jack turned to face the archeologist, who merely stared at him innocently. "What? I didn't say anything!"

"Y'know," the general began, "you three are the worst team by far to get to listen to my orders. Except for Teal'c. Though I have a feeling you other two are trying to corrupt him."

"Who? Teal'c?" asked Daniel. "He's solid, incorruptible. You should know considering you're the one who's always hanging out with him. If anything, you're the one corrupting him."

"You're just proving my point. So it's settled, and you're all helping. Now, here's the plan…"

After fifteen minutes of Jack relaying his clone's plan with some refinement and suggestions from SG-1, they had the game plan set for the following afternoon. Teal'c and Sam left first, but Daniel didn't feel particularly like getting back to staring at the hundreds of photos from the ruins SG-6 had brought back several days ago.

"So, are you and your clone getting along any better now than when you two first met?" the archeologist asked conversationally.

"He still gives me the creeps sometimes," said Jack. "And he annoys the hell outta me when he calls looking for help. Now I know what my parents had to put up with until I moved out."

Daniel half smiled. "Still brings up the feelings those android duplicates caused?"

Jack looked up at Daniel and locked eyes with the archeologist. "Know why Mini-Me bothers me so much more than any of my other duplicates? Sure, he's a fifteen-year-old version of me with all my thoughts and memories, which is creepy in and of itself, but there's something else. When I looked at him getting out of my truck to go to his first day of high school, I couldn't help but think about Charlie. He'd be about that age now."

"I'm sorry, Jack," Daniel said, feeling stupid for not having anything better to say.

"You'd think I'd be used to having duplicates of me running around the galaxy by now, but it just isn't right."

"No, no, it isn't. The universe can only handle one of you at a time." Daniel smiled.

"Yeah, well, let's hope that this clone stays out of serious trouble after we help him out this time. In case you don't remember, all my other duplicates have 'died' rather violent deaths soon after their creation." Jack marched out of the briefing room before Daniel could say anything. "And if he doesn't shape up, do we still have that mirror-device you found that sucks you into alternate dimensions?"

* * *

The following day, Mini-Jack sat in history class with Mrs. Roy, trying hard not to smile at the plan he had in store for her. He raised his hand and spoke instead of waiting to be acknowledged. "Jane Fonda isn't an exemplary woman for supporting the Viet Cong." 

"I don't _care_, Mr. O'Neill," growled Mrs. Roy, "and you will learn when to speak and when to keep your mouth shut in class. Detention this afternoon."

"Yes, ma'am," he grumbled. Just as planned.

Finally the bell rang, ending both the horrid class and the school day. Jack rose to follow his classmates out into the halls, but Mrs. Roy waved for him to remain behind.

"Where do you think you're going, Mr. O'Neill?" she asked.

"To my locker to get some work to do during detention," he answered.

"No, you're staying right here. We have a matter to discuss…about who, or should I say 'what', you are."

"Lay off the pills, Mrs. Roy. I'm just an annoying teenager."

"No, you're not, and you can't fool me. I looked up your 'father' General Jonathan O'Neill. His only son died nine years ago."

"Ok, so he's really my uncle and adopted me after my parents died."

"No, there are no such records. However, you have an uncanny resemblance to the general."

"So what are you suggesting, Mrs. Roy? And how did you get those records? Those are classified, so unless you paid off someone in the government or you're a closet hacker. Which I seriously doubt…"

"I'm suggesting that you are a clone of O'Neill. Given his high security clearance, it follows that he would be involved in some sort of illegal, secret cloning experiment."

"Ok, you've watched enough _X-Files_ reruns, Mrs. Roy. If I was a clone, why would they let me loose in the unsuspecting populace? I'm not--"

"Yes, you are! You'd be amazed at what connections I have. I even looked up O'Neill's ex-wife after I found his name attached to bizarre happenings in a local hospital, including several eyewitness accounts that there were _two_ of him and his dead son wandering around. The fact that the Air Force has stonewalled me from investigating the matter further just proves that I'm right."

Jack carefully flipped on the voice changer in his pocket. _Showtime!_

"Foolish human!" he bellowed in the resonant voice of a Goa'uld. Mrs. Roy paled and gaped in shock. The clone grinned maliciously. "Did you not think that I would catch onto your plan?"

"J-j-jack? You--" The teacher tried to point her finger at him in a threatening manner, but her hand shook far too much to have any influence.

"We of the Breen are far too advanced for you puny humans to stop! I will crush you! I'll--"

Voices in the hallway cut Jack off; he crossed over to the door and saw Daniel leading three plain-clothed SGC recruits towards Mrs. Roy's room.

"I can't believe he's interrupting me in the middle of my rant!" muttered the clone. "Just when I was getting to the good part too." He turned to the teacher. "I'll come back to finish this later, human!"

Jack ran from the room in the opposite direction of Daniel and the recruits. They saw him as planned and chased after him. The clone glanced behind him after skidding around a corner and glimpsed Mrs. Roy jogging behind the archeologist, trying to keep up. He grinned. _I knew that nosy bitch wouldn't give up easily!_ He stopped short when he saw Sam and several other SGC recruits ahead catch sight of him. Luckily Jack was right next to a hallway leading to an emergency exit that opened out into the staff parking lot.

The clone shot out into the parking lot with Sam, Daniel, the recruits, and Mrs. Roy hot on his heels. As usual, the majority of the staff had either left immediately after school with the students or was still inside finishing up work before heading home for the day. He just had to make it to the grass, and it would be all over.

"Freeze!" Sam yelled and aimed an intar at him. Mrs. Roy was far enough away to not see the difference between the training weapon and a real M9.

Jack laughed and dove behind a car as the SGC personnel fired at him. The energy blasts ricocheted off the trunk and sailed over his head as he groped under the car for the zat Teal'c was supposed to plant there. The clone would have stuffed it in his backpack before coming to school that day, but school security was far tighter than when Jack O'Neill last attended high school. His hand closed over the familiar weapon and brought it to bear on Sam.

"I refuse to go back!" Jack shouted and hit Sam with the zat. He followed up with a direct hit to Daniel, feeling no remorse. All of SG-1 pretty much had immunity to those things since they got shot at so often. Besides, this was payback from that last training exercise. Sure, Daniel had gotten a direct hit with one of those intars full blast, but so had he. And if this "mission" was supposed to double as a training exercise for new recruits, they had to be the ones to take him out and not SG-1.

Jack risked a glance over the trunk. Half the recruits were involved in checking Daniel and Sam for injuries—time to make a break for it. He jumped up, firing off a couple of shots with the zat at the distracted recruits, and ran for the grass at the edge of the parking lot. Just as he hopped over the curb one of the recruits shot him square in the back with an intar, knocking him face first into the turf and rupturing the packet of fake blood taped under his shirt. From Mrs. Roy's horrified shriek Jack knew it had been a spectacular death scene. Maybe he would go into acting…

"You shot him! I can't _believe_ you shot him!" the teacher screamed.

"Now calm down, ma'am," said one of the female trainees as the rest surrounded Jack and made sure he was indeed "dead". "He was extremely dangerous and had to be taken down with force. Just be glad that you're still alive."

"Are you the police?"

"Something like that. Now for your own safety, I'm going to ask you to forget everything you've seen and heard today, ma'am."

"But what was he? What's a Breen?"

"Nothing you need to worry about, ma'am."

"All clear!" yelled the trainee next to Jack's head. Jack tried hard not to wince. "Get the civilian out of here!"

Jack heard the female recruit placating Mrs. Roy further as she led her back into the school building. When he heard the door shut behind the two, he rolled over and groaned. "Didja have to yell in my ear? Or have those things set to full power?"

"Sorry, but our orders were to treat this as an actual 'Breen on the loose' situation," said the loud trainee.

"Well, I'd say that you all did a good job containing the situation," Carter said. She and Daniel had gotten up and walked over to the rest of the group once Mrs. Roy left. "Considering Jack ran full tilt through crowded halls, it seems no one besides Mrs. Roy took much notice of us. You also took out the 'Breen' with minimal damage."

"That's up to debate, Carter," muttered Jack, rubbing his fake blood covered chest.

"At least they let you get to the grass before they shot you," Daniel added. "I had to fall on the concrete."

"Oh bitch and moan!"

"Hey, this was your idea, not mine."

"Anyway," Sam interrupted, "you all pass this part of the test with flying colors. Lt. Benson will most likely get extra credit if she manages to convince Mrs. Roy that none of this happened. Report back to the cars, and we'll get the lieutenant."

The trainees saluted and headed towards the front of the school, evaluating their performance as they walked. Jack got to his feet and said, "Not a bad group from what I can see. At least they can follow orders."

"Yes, but that's not for you to say," said Carter. "It's up to…well, the other you to evaluate their performances."

"Yes, where is 'Dad' anyway?"

"He and Teal'c are working on putting a layer of padding on the ramp up to the 'Gate…something about it being better for rough landings, but he'll be around for any damage control issues," answered Daniel. "And you can shut off the voice changer now."

"I kinda like having it on. Makes it sound like I've actually made it through puberty."

"I didn't think that your mind had matured past the age of fifteen before the cloning experiment. Finally your body reflects your mental maturity level."

"_Daniel!_" Jack aimed his zat at the archeologist.

"Wait! No, Jack…!"

Jack smirked and squeezed the trigger.

* * *

Friday Mrs. Roy's students conversed with each other about how all day she jumped at the slightest sound and constantly glanced around as if she was afraid the maps on the walls would jump off and try to smother her. They wondered as to the cause of her sudden paranoia and wanted to pledge their unending loyalty to the mastermind who finally made the neo-Nazi alien conspiracy theory fanatic snap. Jack Jr. tried hard not to blurt out that he was responsible and gain the admiration of the entire student population. He just had to stay out of Mrs. Roy's way until the end of the day, and then she would be gone for good. 

Jack waited out in the hallway next to Mrs. Roy's door until the bell for last period rang. He strolled into the classroom whistling a jaunty tune. Mrs. Roy looked up, eyes bugging out of her head.

"YOU!" she screeched, stabbing her finger at him.

"Yes, Mrs. Roy, it's me," Jack said in the most soothing voice he could muster. "I still go to this school."

"But—but it can't be you! I saw them!"

"Who?"

"THEM! They shot you! I saw it! You're supposed to be dead!"

"Well, that's news to me. And as everyone can see, I'm very much alive. I think you need your medication readjusted."

"I know what I saw! Wait…I know what's going on. You're another clone! They're trying to infiltrate the school!"

Mrs. Roy screamed and ran out the door. Jack looked at his classmates and said, "I don't know about you guys, but I'm not going to miss this spectacle."

Jack ran down the hall after his mentally unstable teacher, his classmates in tow. They followed her all the way outside to the front driveway of the school where a white unmarked van and several men in white jumpsuits were waiting. The men grabbed the still screaming Mrs. Roy and wrestled her into a straightjacket before dragging her into the back of the van. After they shut the vehicle doors, one of the men addressed the crowd of students. "Don't worry, kids, your teacher will be just fine. She's going on a very long, state-funded sabbatical. Now I would suggest that you get back to class before you all get in trouble."

The students erupted into cheers as the van drove away. However, Jack's face fell when he caught sight of the black pickup that had been parked behind the paddy wagon. General O'Neill was leaning against the truck's front fender wearing an expression that clearly said that Jack was in serious trouble. The clone rolled his eyes and strode over to the truck as his classmates went back inside the building.

"So," said Jack, "what're you doing here?"

"Damage control, like Daniel and Sam said yesterday," replied the general.

"The plan worked. The Stargate program is safe. What else is there to do?"

"It seems to me that you've failed to grasp the concept that you are no longer an officer in the Air Force and now have to comply with the rules of being a high school student. Somehow I have to get through to you that you can't call me up every single time you get yourself into trouble with your teachers."

"She was harassing me out of spite!"

"I don't care! That's life! You were the one who decided that you wanted to go back to high school, now you have to live with the consequences of your choice. I'm not bailing you out anymore! There are some unpleasant things we all have to deal with in life, or did you not find that particular fact in all my memories in your head?"

"Fine! I won't ever call you again, and I'll deal with my own problems. Happy?"

"No. Mom and Dad are probably laughing at me right now."

"Why?"

"Their horrible prophecy that I would have kids just like me came true. Three times. But all clones and duplicates. This is far better than they could've hoped for."

"They must've had it in real good with someone high up to pull this off."

"Yes…and since I'm pretty much your father, I'm going to wish the same fate for you. _I hope you have kids just like you!_"

"Now that you're done yelling at me, can you give me a ride home? I'm done for the day since my class was cancelled."

"Fine! Get your stuff. But this is the LAST thing I'm ever doing for you!"

"Sure."

"No, this time I'm getting it in writing, Mini-Me."

"And we'll sign it in blood. Sure, Dad, whatever you say."

"Shut up and get your stuff. Seriously, Dr. Evil was smart in making his clone a mute."

* * *

The End! 


End file.
